Thiswasanassignment =]
I've been working on this all semester. I think I'll leave it alone for a while then return =]
Slipping ideas
I walked down the staircase at a quick pace. I desperately wanted some fresh air. As I circled down the gray steps, I began to quicken my pace, taking two and three steps at a time until I was jumping almost the entire length of each stretch. I got to the bottom and swung the door open. I stepped out into the yard and looked around.
The tall gray walls were unnerving in the dim, fading sunlight. I tried to look around but there wasn’t anything going on. I walked along the way, tracing my finger in an up and down motion, feeling the coarse texture of the aged cement. I looked towards the woods where I figured everyone was. It was around six meaning everyone was in session. The tree’s were thick but the path was wide and the closer you got the easier to see through them it was.
The tall brick walls surrounding the camp were just as sinister as everything else. We all knew why they were there but no one ever thought more into it. I looked at the wall and watched as it wove around the trees, into the woods, and back around on the opposite side; fencing us in completely. It wasn’t as if we were totally trapped or anything, there were gates every so far we just weren’t allowed to use them.
I was moving into the tree’s now, following the pale light of a fire. As I got closer I saw a group of kids sitting in one of the meeting spots. There were elders in the center, dressed in their typical attire, leading the proceeding. I watched as they instructed the kids and orders the nights task. I wasn’t part of the group but I joined anyways. I saw a couple kids sitting by the fire I knew so I figured to just go with it. I didn’t have anything better going on.
When I first saw what they were doing I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around it. My stomach churned, wanting to release its contents but I withheld the urge to vomit. It was vulgar but I had to maintain my composure. That was one of the only rules; maintain composure. I turned away and held my breath.
I had never wanted or felt like I needed a drink more in my entire life. What had I gotten myself into? Why had I joined a cult full of masochistic fuckers who believe that pain is the key to enlightenment? I reached into my pocket and grabbed my cigarettes. If I wasn’t getting that martini I was going to smoke. All I did these days was lay in my room silently sipping Belvedere from the bottle and smoking Newport’s. I wanted so badly for life to go back to the way it used to be. I wanted to undo all my mistakes. Ever since I moved out here my life had gone downhill so fast I was already at rock bottom and somehow digging deeper.
Two elders who ran the cult had found me in a diner one night trying to bum cigarettes off of them. They told me if I joined them they’d provide me with anything I wanted, including a home and food. Obviously I couldn't turn that down and I didn't even need to pay a thing, all I had to do was do as I was instructed and not question their intents. I didn’t really get it then; I still don’t really get it.
When I first joined it was easy enough. Don’t eat unless there was a feast, don’t sleep outside of sleep hours, and don’t medicate beyond the absolutely necessary. It was the easiest shit and I was given the world in return, until you reached level two, then it got harder. Soon self mutilation became an everyday occurrence and the meals came less and less. Pretty soon all we were allowed was alcohol, cigarettes, water and milk. We couldn’t get our hands on a single bread crumb. It was terrible and everyone hated it yet we thrived off of it.
The worst part was what they made us do. It started slow, things like being whipped once in a while or being beaten before bed, then it became more intense, things like slitting your wrists with diamonds and watching as your friends did the same. It was some fucked up shit and yet, something inside me wanted to do it. I liked the rush of challenging the endurance of my body. Something about it made me feel alive even though I knew it was killing me, literally and emotionally.
Today was apparently cauterizing ourselves. It sounds crazy but then again this whole God damn place was. I felt like the only sane one here aside from this one guy I had met here. His name was Zach and he was here because his mother had left him to fend for himself when he was thirteen and like me, the elders got a hold of him. We were the only two here who knew how fucked this whole establishment was and yet we never left. There were a few others who weren’t as off their rockers as the rest but even the few we came across we pretty tapped in the head. A lot of the kids had been raised here so to them they didn’t know much better.
Zach and I had developed a bond similar to what I used to have with my brother. Until the day he died we were best friends and I sought to fill that void with whatever I could and Zach seemed to fit perfectly. It’s safe to say he’s definitely my best friend here although we rarely do what typical best friends do. He’s a year older than me and we look out for each other even though he’s the one always seeming to be rescuing me. My very first night under the second level, the level where shit gets intense, Zach had to carry me to my room because the pain was so intense I couldn’t stand. It took me three days before I could leave my room.
This place wasn’t all bad. I mean obviously the forcing us to torture ourselves was morally unethical but as for how they treated us it was pretty sweet. We each had out own rooms, we shared a bathroom with one other person, all out food was paid for and we were given unlimited medical care from some of the worlds best doctors. Considering they made us insert smoldering hot pieces of iron into our thighs they had better keep good doctors on call otherwise they’d surly loose several of their kids quickly. Another perk was if we wanted anything, like the newest gaming console or an ounce of cocaine, it would be on our doorstep the following day. That was the best part; I could have anything in the world, when I wanted it, for no charge what so ever.
Some days were obviously worse than others. They picked the torture like they were picking names out of a hat. It was always random and always creative. Today we had to do our inner thighs but last week we had a day that we had to push a sewing needle straight into our pupils. Like I said, this place was fucked.
The thing is, it doesn’t even hurt. When they told us that was what we would be doing for the night I nearly dropped dead. If Zach hadn’t been with me to push me through it I never would have been able to. It’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling but it doesn’t hurt. According to Zach there aren’t any pain receptors in your eyes for it to hurt so its just a huge mental fuck to have to do it. Regardless of how it feels, sticking a needle into your eye is the scariest shit I’ve ever had to do.
We were all sitting in a circle in the field behind the main building. I was waiting for my turn so I lit up a cigarette and leaned my head against the tree I was sitting besides. Zach was ahead of me, as he always was so if I couldn’t handle it he’d already be done and could get me home. As I took a long, heavy drag I felt Zach shaking my shoulder.
“Dude, you’re up.” I put my cigarette out under my foot and stood up. Handing my hoodie to him I nodded and absorbed every bit of reassuring consolation from him. He wasn’t limping so it couldn’t be that bad. Usually on the weekdays the tasks began pretty simple and as the week went on got worse. We think the elders just like to test us and push us, see what our limits are. The end of the week is the worst because that’s when they break out the legitimately fucked up shit you think only happens in movies. Ever see “Saw”? Yeah, that kind of shit.
Slowly I began my journey to the center of the circle. It was the same kind of feeling I assume you would get walking the plank of a pirate ship. All of the elders’ eyes were on me, waiting for me to take the rod. I knew they’d get mad for me taking so long but they also knew I never once missed a single task regardless of the reason. What was terrible was I didn’t need to be here for this, I wasn’t supposed to be but no one stopped me and no one questioned, I just walked in and joined.
Sometimes people would faint before or occasionally a girl wouldn’t be able to do a task due to menstrual reasons but Zach and I never missed. We took some kind of pride in that. It almost solidified us as the tough guys here even though everyone else here was a bunch of cracked out, hopeless fuckers. It was sad really that everyone here was either a lost cause or a hot mess and in most cases, they were both.
I was in the center of the circle standing in dirt. There were three elders, all men, standing before me. They were in their ceremonial cloaks, the most stereotypical characteristic of this cult; the cloaks. I knew one of them, his name was Luke. He honestly seemed to be a fairly nice guy but at the same time, I’m big on giving everyone the benefit of the doubt even when it isn’t due. He always talked us through the tasks, pushing us to complete them quickly. That was why I saw him as a nice guy. He knew it sucked and he knew that it hurt like hell so he pushed us through so we’d be done quicker. That made him seem alright to me.
Standing in the center of the circle Luke handed me a long, skinny metal rod with a smoldering orange tip. I took it and looked over to Zach for support and reassurance, but found something I rarely saw; he was smoking a cigarette. Zach never drank or smoked or did anything bad. All he ever did was sit on his balcony and read. Something told me he’d be leaving here soon, I could just feel it. He had a yearning lust for a normal life that I could see clear as day but he was too afraid to ever admit it. He was stronger than me in so many way but he wasn’t bold like I was. He was stuck here because his cunt of a mother, I was here because I chose to be.
I wish he drank but he didn’t. Luckily he understood how drinking and smoking was all I had to keep me sane. Sometimes he’d light up with me but that happened once in a great while and only when shit got really bad. As I said, he was a lot stronger than I was. Being abandoned by his family at such a young age didn’t give him much of a choice but to be strong. I envied that about him.
We became friends for a lot of reasons, I was trying to replace my brother, he needed companionship, that kind of stuff. The thing that really brought us together though was that we completed each other; what he had I needed and vice versa. I wish my body could heal as quickly as his did. He’d have a bruise or a scar for a few days while mine would last up to a few weeks. He was a lot thinner than I was but I was athletic, he was just skin and bones.
He had a more “lead singer of a punk band” look, with long skinny features, lanky limbs and skinny physique where I was cursed with the hulk-like features of a football player. We had the same color hair, brown, and I had blue eyes while he had greenish brown eyes. They weren’t hazel though, they were greenish brown.
Standing in front of the elders with the rod in hand made me feel somehow dignified. Being able to say I stood in front of these guys and was able to do things to myself that most people couldn’t even imagine made me proud. This place made me feel like although very misguided and lost, I was accepted. I was respected too because I was strong while everyone else here was just a group of abandoned druggies who didn’t even realize how deep the water they were in was. I however did and luckily I’m a damn good swimmer.
“Are you ready or are you just going to waste more of my time?” The elder was talking to me. No one knew the true story behind this place but the rumor was that all the elders were rich old war veterans, retired cops and shit like that, that joined together to create a place where they could teach discipline to kids who took life for granted. If that were true these dudes ideas of teaching were a little off track but they were good at being hard asses and they sure had taught me a few things so perhaps they are doing exactly what the rumors say.
I sat on the edge of the seat they had prepared for us. There was a little trickling of blood on it, still wet, that soaked into my shorts when I sat on it. I knew I had to get this over with quick. Something was wrong with Zach and every moment I spent doing this was a moment that I could be spending taking care of him. He may be the physically stronger one but I am by far stronger emotionally than he probably ever will be. He never was raised to be strong or to handle his emotions, he just turned them all off.
The part of the rod I was holding was burning my hand and I could tell that the tip that was glowing would be a thousand times hotter pressed against my bare thigh. Inhaling deeply I slowly moved it towards my skin. As I always did I hesitated, closed my eyes and held my breath. I don’t know why I always do this but no matter what the task is, I follow the same procedure.
I opened my eyes and looked over to Zach. He puffed smoke out of his mouth and nodded sadly at me. I bit my lip and slammed the scorching hot rod into my thigh. As the metal seared into my skin I bit harder into my flesh. After thirty seconds the elders stopped me and I released the vice grip bite I had on my lip. The taste of blood flushed into my mouth, soaking that odd taste of copper into my flesh. As it was pulled away, the skin on my thigh peeled off and stung insanely. I didn’t wince or cry; this was one of the easier punishments. The elders bandaged my leg up and told me I could go.
As I walked back through the circle towards Zach I looked closely at everyones faces. No one seemed alive anymore. I had never noticed before but we never knew what happened to people when they left. We had always just assumed they left by their own will and that was that but considering what went on here I couldn’t help but wonder if they were dumb enough to let people our age who were put through this kind of shit go without some kind of consequence. I also couldn’t help but wonder if they even let people go at all.
I reached Zach and he was leaning against the tree still only now his eyes were closed. He had a cigarette in his mouth but it was smoked almost all the way to the filter and the ashes were about to fall from the tip. He was pale and didn’t look like his usual self. I could tell he wasn’t doing well. Over the course of our friendship I had become good at telling what he was thinking just by the look in his eyes.
“Hey.” I didn’t need much, just enough for him to look up at me. When he raised his head he dropped the cigarette and it landed on his wrist. He didn’t even flinch from the burn, he simply flicked it off and looked at me. His typically vibrant green eyes were grey and sunken.
“Dude you look like shit are you all right?” I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.
“This shit sucks. I can’t take it anymore.” I knew that was where we’d end up. I had a plan. I gestured for him to start down the path back to the housing. The woods were behind the buildings. The entire establishment was designed almost like a college campus or a hotel. It had several main buildings in the front that looked like a school. Then in the back were the housing complexes where we all lived. Behind those were the thick woods which luckily kept the torture locations hidden from the streets.
“Do you have anything here that you feel you’ll still have in six months?” He looked puzzled. I was trying to walk fast but he was moving at a glacial pace and I was annoyed.
“Well I just began reading ‘The Alchemist’ but otherwise I don't really have anything of importance, just my books.” The answer I was expecting.
“I see, well books can be bought just about anywhere so go get all your money and meet me outside your room in five minutes, I’ll be right up. If you’re going to bring anything keep it minimal and light.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He had stopped. We really didn’t have time for this. We needed to move quick if we had any chance of surviving.
“How do you feel about this place? Do you like it? Does it seem like the kind of place you want to spend the rest of your life in?” I felt like the parent he never had. I felt justified being his voice of reason as although I wasn’t that smart I was always pretty logical, therefor it felt right.
“I fucking hate it. This place sucks.” I nodded.
“Exactly, that’s why we’re getting out of here.” He looked at me in shock. I knew I sounded crazy but come on, we were part of a fucking cult!
“No, no way we’re getting out of here. They’ll kill us!”
“Oh really? And you know that how? Have you tried?” I was angry at him for not instantly joining me on my bandwagon.
“Well I’ve been here for years and no one’s ever left. You either die or get thrown out; there aren’t any other options. Besides, were will we go? Do you know where the fuck we are because I have no clue.” He was walking away from me, slightly limping.
“Look at it like this, we have two options; stay here and die or get the fuck out of here and fight until they get us. One way or another we’re in it together and I don’t plan on the latter turning out that way. If we get out of here I’ll be damned if we’re caught.”
He paced back and forth. I knew he wanted to but he was scared. His biggest downfall was his doubts. He never thought anything could end in a happy ending.
“We have no where to go. No one to turn to for help. No plan.” He was flailing his arms in the air like he was insane. I chuckled and he glared at me.
“Look, Zach, I know where you’re coming from but come on, take a chance and just trust me. Please?” I made a sad, puppy dog face at him and I saw his lips strain to form into a smile. He fought to repress it but it was clear he couldn’t help it. He finally smiled at me and shook his head.
“We’re dead...but ok.” I smiled back and we continued to our rooms. His was in the East building which was one over from mine which was the Central building. We went out separate ways and I noticed how deserted the place was. For a place so set on rules and restrictions, the security was minimal and kind of sucked. I figure they probably think that because they treat us so fucking terrible with the torture and shit but so well with the rewards that we wouldn’t be stupid enough to try to escape. Apparently Zach and I were that stupid.
After I grabbed my one silver dollar and a pack of cigarettes I went off to Zach’s room. My head throbbed in pain but I had no aspirin to ease my suffering so I just breathed deeply and tried to ignore it.
I slammed on his door waiting for him to answer. MY thigh tingled in pain and I winced when I reached down to itch it. Blood was saturating into the denim and it startled me to touch. It took me a moment to remember but somehow I had forgotten how it had gotten there. The wound hadn’t begun healing yet but it was finally easing on the pain. The pain I had managed to forget.
He answered and let me inside. It was rare I ever came here because Zach wasn’t organized like I am. I need everything neat and orderly while he just left books and clothes and shit everywhere. His room was spotless. Everything was neatly stacked and folded and hung, clearly an improvement.
“Wow it looks pretty spiffy in here. What’s that all about?”
“I just felt the need to clean. Don’t ask.” He brushed me off and grabbed a sweatshirt. “So what’s the plan?”
“We leave at the crack of dawn.” I said as I laid down on his bed. “Right now, we got to get some rest so we’re ready to go before the sun hits the horizon.”
She leaned forward and brushed her nose against the younger girls. They were close, inching closer with every breath. Soon the woman held the girls face between her hands and pulled back to look her in the eyes. They both had bright blue eyes that could be seen from a distance. They sparkled in the fading sunlight.
The woman had short hair and the girl had short, blonde hair. It was cut like a young boy’s would be, only slightly longer and pinned back with two bobby-pins; one next to each ear.
The two stood side by side along the beach, hand in hand. They leaned in for a kiss as we approached them. The older woman was clearly the more experienced as she appeared to be twice the girls age. Surprisingly, they looked more in love than any couple I had ever seen in my life. Then again though, I have hardly seen any couples outside the confines of that damn place. We were closer now and I watched as the older woman’s face got closer to the girls still. Just before the kiss occurred, the woman stuck out her tongue and licked the girl from her chin up to her cheekbone. The girl grimaced and reared back; disgusted.
I had never seen a same sex couple before and this was my first encounter with one. Zach looked equally as shocked as I felt but I figured he was repulsed by the lick the woman just gave that poor girl. We watched as she wiped spit off her face and ran across the beach into the waves.
I grabbed Zach by the hand and pulled him along. He was tiring out and his fatigue was slowly getting a hold of me. We had been on the move since the crack of dawn and afternoon was rolling in. I could feel my eyes getting heavier as we ran down the sandy beach. As each wave crashed against the ground, I felt my heart beat a little slower. I was finally calming down. No one had ever gotten out, out alive at least.
We ran down the beach as fast as we could. I never knew the cult was actually located right near the coast. It had been so long since I had gotten there and I had been transported there from wherever they found me in a van so I never actually got to see what was around. It was astonishing that the entire time we spent locked in those damn walls this beautiful beach was right near by.
Zach slowed and stopped. I turned and faced him, breathing heavily. All that smoking was killing me and yet I was able to go a lot faster a lot farther than he.
“Dude why are you stopping?” I said, confused. I struggled to breathe calmly. My lungs tightened and felt icy as I huffed deeply.
“I can’t run anymore. Please, we’re not being followed let’s just go slow.” He looked red in the face. I realized he had so much going for him. Something about this very moment summed up the incredible man he was all into one split second. What it was I will never know because he was acting stupid. He didn’t know if we were being followed or not and for all we knew they were already right behind us, about to get us.
I stepped towards him and took his hands in mine. His face went blank as he stared at me, clearly confused. I lifted his arms up and wrapped mine around his waist, hugging him tightly. He hesitated and then hugged me back. We embraced for only a moment before we were back on the run.
I can’t really explain why I hugged him. It seemed like the right thing to do. I knew feeling the warmth of his body, the stiff muscles of his chest against mine, made my heart slow and my lungs relax. It felt right.
We moved slower but still at a fast pace. We needed to get out of the open and find somewhere to hide but neither of us knew where we were or where we were going. His entire family, that he knew of, was gone and my whole family was thousands of miles away. It got even harder to think when we realized neither of us had eaten in almost a full day. Zach breathed deeply behind me and began to cough. I turned back to him again and looked at him, making sure he was ok. He looked pale and tired, really tired, and sick.
“Zach are you ok?” I knew it was a dumb question but I had to say something instead of just looking at him. He shook his head but then mumbled that he was fine and we kept on. The beach curved up towards some cliffs and overhangs. There was bound to be a cave or something up ahead and I figured we’d be able to find some refuge there for the night. We walked close to the water, my arm around him, supporting him. I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew something wasn’t right.
We were going along when the older woman stopped us. She was short and wearing a beautiful and simple dress that hugged tightly around her waist, pushing her breasts up and outwards, renewing her youthful looks. She was pretty but nothing too stunning and yet I found her to be a marvelous specimen. She was the kind of woman I would love to cast in a musical or a 1950’s romantic comedy. The one thing that really pissed me off about her was how she let her hair just hang over her shoulders. It was too short to be done but too long to be left untamed. So as a solution she just let it hang.
“Are you boys ok?” She was looking at Zach when she asked.
“Yes, ma'am he’s just not feeling so well at the moment and I’m trying to get him home so he can at least go lay down or something.” I lied right through my teeth. If she knew anything about the cult there was high potential they would hunt her down and kill her just as quickly as they would us.
She looked at us and eyes some of the visible scars we shared. She could see on my thigh the thin red line of blood that stained into the denim after cauterizing my thigh. The scabs had already taken over the wound but all the running and friction from the thick jeans made it bleed as we ran.
“If you say so.” She looked skeptical but did not persist. “Would you like some dinner while you're passing?”
“Dinner?” Zach was suddenly fine and wide awake.
“Yes, dear, dinner. We come out here all the time to just sit and eat in the silence. I like the hear nothing but the waves. It soothes us. Ever since my husband died I’ve been lonely you know?” She looked at the ground, a single tear staining her perfectly done makeup. “Thank God I found love in Katie down there. It’s mostly companionship I need but she makes me happy and I her.” She smiled over at the blonde girl who was out splashing in the water. We both waved and turned back to the older woman. “I have a light meal set for us but seeing as I live right over that hill I can just eat when I get back. Here, take it.” She handed us a picnic basket. I was shocked by her kindness. IT hadn’t been that long since I had been in the confines of the cult had it? Had all of mankind suddenly become super nice?
Zach was already digging through the basket looking for something to eat. He picked out a bottle of water and an orange. I knew he loved fruit but he tore at it like he was a savage beast. It was big and thick, rotund more-so and clearly juicy. I watched as he scoffed it down in a matter of moments. He was hungry! That explained a lot of why he was so pale.
“Slow down killer, you’ll make yourself sick.” I didn’t want to become one of those friends who control every aspect of others but I was right, he would get sick if he ate too fast.
“Thank you so much for this miss, it means a lot to us. We’re starved.”
She looked at us and smiled genuinely. I wasn’t sure what to think of her. She seemed nice and sweet but superficial. I had learned growing up that jumping to conclusions about people was never a good idea but I couldn’t help myself. I smiled back and we turned and continued on. I took the basket from Zach and told him to chew.
“You’ve got enough food in your mouth as it is to get you through the next week. Chew it and then I’ll give you more. I didn’t realize I was babysitting.” Zach frowned.
“I’m sorry.” He spit out his food and began to run. I didn’t know what to do so I took off after him. He was fucking quick when he wanted to be but I guess guys with long legs tend to be. Not only was he quicker but I had to carry a heavy basket and try not to spill anything all over the beach so chasing him wasn’t really convenient for me.
“What are you doing? I thought you wanted to walk?” He was so far ahead of me. We were closing in on the cliffs and just as he was about to hit them he took a sharp turn to the right and began running in the water around the rocks. I stopped at the edge and threw my hands into the air, letting the basket fall and spill its contents onto the beach.
“OK you’ve got me; what?” He must be in desperate need of some kind of attention. He kept going, moving around the rocks with ease. The water wasn’t too deep but it was still more than a small puddle. I nelt down and scooped everything back into the basket, latching the small hook to keep it shut. I went to stand and intense ringing went off in my head and I faltered, about to fall over. I fell back to my knees and rubbed my temple. My migraine had come back and apparently was kicking for so serious torture. I shook it off and got back onto my feet. Cars passed by on the highway opposite the beach and as they disappeared into the tunnel in the rocks I assumed they stared at us two tattered and dirty guys running around the beach with a basket. I felt embarrassed.
I looked back and the woman was on her beach blanket, cuddling with the younger girl. I didn’t believe her when she said she just needed the company. No one just needs company. Me and Zach only needed company and now we’re practically attached at the hips. I took a breath and began to move.
I ran after him and made the same turns around the rock wall beside us. As I rounded the first corner he was already twenty feet away turning around another bend in the tall rock cliffs. I felt like I was chasing after some fucking criminal in a movie. I tried to catch up but he was moving quicker than I had ever seen him move.
We were moving into the rock bed now. The cliffs had jetted out into the water about a hundred feet then curled back around in a hook, creating a gulf or a bay of some kind. From the outside you could only make out the tall cliffs but the farther in you got the more visible everything became. I was amazed with what he had found. Within it was a small patch of sand, a cave and best of all, shelter for the night.
“Zach would you fucking stop?”
He had stopped. His shorts were soaked and half his shirt was too. The light green was now dark, like moss. He turned to me and was frowning. I looked closely and he was crying. He was standing just out of the water and as tears began to fall from his eyes and fell to his knees. He was crying loudly and I did my best to get to him as quickly as possible. I threw myself on the ground beside him and took him into my arms. I hugged him close to me, trying desperately to think of what to say or what to do. When I was a kid my mom would always hug me and kiss my head when I was upset so I pulled him close to my chest and did as she would. He grabbed on to me, embracing my touch. I hushed him softly, assuring him it was ok to cry. I had never been this person.
I wasn’t one for emotion. I don’t think I had cried a single time since I had been locked in the cult and before I never had anything to cry about. I didn’t know how my emotions worked or how other peoples did. All I knew was that when someone was doing what he was doing, I had to do something to make it stop. All this crying freaked me out.
“Zach what’s wrong? Buddy talk to me, it’s me, your best friend.” I rubbed his back in circles, letting him know I cared. I didn’t want to let him down yet. We had a long journey ahead of us and if I couldn’t help him now what good would I be when he really needed me? He pulled away from me.
Standing up, he took off his hoodie and pulled his shirt up over his head and took it off, throwing it towards the rocks behind us. He walked away from me so all I could see was his back. It wasn’t until this very moment that I realized how firm and toned his back was. I never thought of him as anything but skinny but I noticed the definition in his muscles and how you could see where his back was strong. He walked away and turned to me, still in tears.
“Do you fucking realize what we’re doing? We’re on the run from a group of crazy mother fucking cult leaders. They’re bound to find us and catch us and I’m pretty sure we’re fucked if they do.”
“Zach, you know this is what we have to do. We were both dying there and if we didn’t get out when we did, it would only be a matter of time before we rotted there. I know this is a lot all at once but it’s for the best.”
“Is it though?” He turned away again and I noticed a dark patch of skin on his side, right near his ribcage under his arm. It was odd but I never noticed him without clothes on before and I thought back in my memory and realized I had never actually seen him without clothes on. He was always in a tee-shirt and cut off jean shorts. Sure his body couldn’t be anything crazy but I had always just assumed.
“I think it’s worth it and besides would you rather try to escape with me or someone else? I’m your best friend!” I smirked, trying to lighten the mood if possible. He grinned back. He wasn’t crying anymore but he still looked very upset. I got on my feet and moved over to him. I hugged him again but he pulled away. Something was happening, I wasn’t sure what but I could feel something powerful going on between us.
“That’s exactly it. You’re my best friend.” He turned away from me. I stopped to think for a second.
“I don’t think I could live a single day without you.” He smiled at me as he turned back. I took my hoodie off and laid it on the ground neatly. We needed somewhere to sleep and all we had was clothes and whatever else the woman had given us.
“Hand me your sweatshirt and tee-shirt, we need to make some kind of bed for us to sleep on. All we have is our clothes.” He handed me his and turned towards the water. It was going to get dark soon and the sun was starting to sink into the horizon. I took my shirt off and unbuckled my belt. I pulled my pants down and took my jeans and laid them down as well. I figured whatever we could use we would. I reached for the basket and dug through it. There was a small table cloth that I used as well; the rest was food and water.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or are you just going to leave me wondering?” I said it without turning to him. When he didn’t answer I stood up and looked at him. He looked away, refusing to make eye contact.
“Zach what the fuck, are you going to just ignore me?” I was getting angry. In nothing but a pair of bright red briefs I stomped across the small sandy beach and grabbed him by the shoulder, forcing him to face me. He was crying again. It wasn’t as bad as before but none-the-less he was in fact in tears. Pulling him in, I hugged him, embracing him with all I could.
“Do you get how hard this is for me?”
“Well of course I do it’s hard for me too but we needed to get out. It was now or never.”
“Not that.” I let him go and pulled back. I didn’t know what he was talking about.
“You know I’ve never been kissed? I’ve never had sex or dated. I’ve only read about what cuddling is in books and even then it was very little. I don’t know what it means to love or to lose or to feel anymore. All I know is that my mind and my heart finally agree on something and it’s something that’s off limits.” He looked at me with bloodshot eyes. My mind was cranking, trying to piece everything together. He looked me in the eyes and then, almost missing it, I caught him glance down.
“Did you just...”
“Yeah.” He looked worried.
“You just looked at my penis didn’t you?” I was slightly angry but at the same time pleased and also turned on. What was happening in my head? Was I gay? It wasn’t something I had ever bothered to consider. I had always just thought it unimportant considering I thought I would be dead by now.
“I used to lie in bed at night and hope to God you would knock on my door confessing your love for me. Since we met I knew you were special. I have never met someone who could take me from rock bottom to sky high like you can. You’ve been all that has kept me sane. All that has given me hope. I knew when we met that I would fall in love with you, it was just a matter of time.
“If you hate me for this or you want to hit me, I understand. I just can’t hold it inside any more. I’ve been dying trying to keep it from you. That’s why I haven’t been myself lately, I’ve been thinking about you. Every second of every day you course through my veins, consuming all my thoughts.” He paused. “Why are you smiling?”
I look at him in the eyes thanking God briefly for letting us meet. It wasn’t something I had ever thought about but now that it was brought to question, I felt like I did love him. I definitely felt something for this skinny boy standing in front of me. He was all I have had for so long and now it was just the two of us, no cult, and no losers, just us. The entire world seemed to be on hold for us and it felt right. I stepped towards him and grabbed him around his back.
“So you’ve never been kissed?” His eyes looked scared but excited. I had never done something like this before but I was sure it couldn’t be too hard and besides it was done in movies and books all the time plus he had never had anything to compare this too so he’d love it regardless.
Leaning in and taking his chin with my free hand, I lifted it so our lips could meet. I moved in slowly, taking my time to get it right. As our lips met, I felt an explosion of joy go off inside of me, making me want to take him into my arms and never let go. At first we didn’t move but then he took control and kissed back. After a moment of that, I felt him pulling away. He stood before me in his tight cutoff jeans and dirty Vans sneakers.
I smiled at him, letting every muscle in my body flex without trying to flex too hard. I knew it did something for him because I watched a thick bulge grow in his shorts. He reached for the button and quickly had them off. He didn’t waste a second getting his gray boxers off. Once completely naked he pushed me on top of our makeshift bed and we began to kiss passionately for what seemed like a perfect eternity.
He asked me to make love to him and at first, I resisted. But after a while of being with him, kissing him and feeling his body become one with mine, we made love and it was everything I had ever thought it would be. We both began that night as virgins and ended as one whole entity. Everything else became meaningless.
We lay there, holding each other, loving each other. I held him in my arms as we stared into the night sky up and the stars.
“I love you.” He whispered in my ear. I cuddled up against him, holding him tightly. His warmth and mine combined was enough to keep us comfortable for the night.
“I’m glad we’re on the run together.” He said and then I heard his breathing slow and soften and he was asleep. I looked up into the night sky and wondered what that had meant as I too drifted off to sleep.
Water doused my toes as the tide drifted up the small patch of sand we had slept on. The sun was beginning to peak over the horizon, filling the grotto with light. I sat up and looked around, trying to remember where we were. I still wasn’t sure where we were at or even what state we were in. We had been in those damn confines for so long that everything seemed so foreign.
I felt on the ground beside me for Zach but he was gone. Feeling my heart pump faster I began to worry. I wasn’t sure where he was and instantly I began to panic. I stood up, stark naked, and started shouting for him. A sharp pain shot through me; the fear that he was gone. Only seconds after I started hyperventilating did he show himself. He was somehow hidden behind some rocks that looked like a wall up under the caves overhang.
“What are you doing? You scared me to death!” I reached to my side and grabbed my pants. I got them on and went over to him. He was standing behind this rock that looked flat but when I got closer to it I realized it was huge and led into the cave. I hadn’t actually checked this place out before we crashed here like I should have but apparently there was an actual cave inside the cliffs not just an overhang.
“What’s back here?” I asked as I pulled my shirt over my head. I smelt like sweat and salt water; not a good combination.
“I don’t know I didn’t want to go too far while you were still out. Did you sleep well?”
I nodded in agreement and looked into the cave.
“Dude I’m starved!” I held my stomach. He pointed to the basket from the night before. My mind was having trouble deciphering what had happened and what I had made up. I was starting to slip and it was scaring me. I felt my head start to pound.
“Was there any aspirin in the picnic basket by any chance?” I knew the basket was real, it was right in front of me. Why was my memory so foggy? I went to it and lifted the top open, pulling out an orange and laying it down beside me. I dug down and into the basket. Zach was quiet, ignoring my question. I found none and kicked the small wicker crate out of frustration.
“Fuck my head is killing me.” I sat against the wall of the cliff and started to peel the skin of the orange.
“Well we had a rough night. Just relax and I’ll come up with a plan of action.” He was taking initiative which I appreciated considering how terrible my headache was. He came over and sat beside me, resting his head on my shoulder.
“How’d you end up in the cult?” He said it softly and sexually almost. I got a ting of heat from it which puzzled me. Had something happened last night I couldn’t remember?
“You tell me first.” I said. I wasn’t really sure how I got there, I just knew that it was the last resort before I offed myself in a hotel room with a razor and cheap vodka.
“When I was little, my mom was a drug addict. Not like the kind that lives in a dumpster begging for change to buy crack, the kind who sleeps with doctors to get prescriptions for pain killers and sleeping pills. She always said it was for her back but I know she was lying. When I was actually brought to the cult I was thirteen. It was scary as shit but at the same time exciting. I felt like I was in some movie where I would be driving cars through buildings and shooting at masked men in black suits but obviously that isn't what happened.
“She got a hold of the elders somehow and decided it was a good place for a boy like me. She always told me I was special growing up and that even though my father left because of me, she still loved me. The elders brought me to the cult and they gave me one of the nicest rooms I had ever seen. I was given everything I had ever desired and more! I was able to sleep all day, eat what I wanted, and I got the coolest toys and games. Until one day things changed.
“I was summoned from my room and told that it was time for my test. Of course at the time I didn’t know what they meant so I immediately began to argue that I hadn’t studied and that I wasn’t ready but they didn’t do anything but laugh.”
“What happened to your mother?” I was curious.
“I’m getting to that. So as the elders stood before me laughing I felt myself start to get nervous. I was only thirteen and had no fucking clue what was going on. I could hear my moms raspy voice in the back of my mind and I prayed to be taken back to when I was a child and she would read me stories before bed, before she got into drugs.
“I was taken by the elders down a long hallway where they took me into a room. I was only there that once and never have I been back but I will never forget it. There were long dark walls all painted black and in the center of the room was a sunken in stairwell that went down five steps from every direction. It was the most traumatizing event of my life.
“In the center of my room, hanging from a tall post with her hands chained beside her like a marionette was my mother. They had stripped her naked and she was shaking so fiercely from the cold. That was the most powerful force in the room; the cold. I wanted to run to her, to hug her, to kiss her but before I could an elder grabbed me and held me back.
“No boy, it’s time for your test.” He walked me to her and set me in front of her. She was bound up by about thirty chains and I could see fear and pain and horror in her eyes. She looked at me. They had her gagged with a cloth and when I went to remove it, the same elder smacked me, preventing me from helping her. Standing before her I reached out my hand and touched her face. She was so cold our skin stuck together and as I pulled away, tiny bits of her skin peeled off, the blood drying almost instantly.
“The elder handed me a brick and told me what my test was. He told me she had abused her life and had abused me and now was her time for judgement and that I needed to be the one to teach her. Before my very eyes I watched as the chains lifted her off the ground and dangled her in front of me.
“I had two options. I could sit and slowly watch her starve and rot to death in front of me or I could take her life into my own hands and use the brick to end it. I refused both.”
Mortified at what he was telling me, I began to rock my self slightly, trying to numb the growing ache in my stomach. He had his hand on my chest and his body close to mine, snuggling against me for warmth.
“I sat there for three days. Neither of us being allowed to eat or drink, forced to relieve our bodies right there. It was disgusting but I would not let my mother die without me being there to comfort her. I tried to un-chain her but the elders stopped me each time.
“While time went on she got weaker and soon the convulsions began. She couldn’t control her body and finally at the end of the third day, she reached out with all of her might, hardly able to reach, and patted me on the cheek. She mumbled to me something horrifying and yet it was something I expected.
“‘Do it. Please, end my life now. I can’t suffer like this any longer. God have mercy on your soul for what they make you do to me. I didn’t know this was what this place was.’” I looked into her now dull green eyes and clutched the brick in my hand. I had little strength but I knew I had one thing to do.
Gripping the brick tightly I began to pound her in the face as hard as I could. Before my very eyes I watched as I destroyed her light olive skin. As he face deteriorated, so did the sounds. Blood splattered all over me, on my face and my hands, all over my body and staining into my clothes. I crushed her nose, hearing as the bones shattereed into her head. The rounded shape of her skull fell into a sunken in dent and it looked more like a deflated balloon. I was scarred and terrified but knew I had no other choice.
The elders all stood, silently until I was finished. I had eventually fallen to my knees, unable to hit her any more. I knew she was dead and I continued to hit her to make sure she wouldn’t suffer if for any reason I had failed.
I screamed and cried the entire time, praying I would be forgiven by God for what I had done. That was when I actually still believed in God but that’s not the point here, the point is that’s how I got to the cult.
“When I had turned her sadly beautiful face into nothing more than blood stained destruction, the elders took me from the room and led me back to my room. Once we were out of the door I heard gun shots going off; the other guards making sure she was dead I assumed, and silently let tears rinse my cheeks.
“I crawled into bed and didn’t leave for two days. I was so horrified with myself and so disgusted with them. That’s why I never cry, because I vowed I would never feel sorry for myself as long as I was in that shit hole. When I did get out of bed to finally wash the dried blood off of my small body I found a slice of her face stuck tightly to my shirt. I folded it up and hid in under my bed in the only box that I had from home. It’s still there today.”
He stopped touching my chest and placed his hand on my knee, sitting up to look at me.
“So how did you get here?” He said, quietly but I didn’t answer I just let his story soil the air for the both of us.
After a few hours of awkward silence and brief but minimal touching, we got our things together. My head pounded with terrible intensity. Every time I would try to think of anything more than just to breathe, I felt the sudden pressure of the whole world crushing down inside my head.
We left the cove with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Between the two of us we had eaten all the little bit of food the woman had given us and had no use for an empty basket, it just became more for us to carry. I continued throughout the day to remember what had and hadn’t happened the night before. I had all these flashes of memories in my head but couldn’t set straight what was real and what wasn’t. I contemplated just asking Zach but I didn’t want to piss him off.
If I didn’t let an idea fully form when it came into my mind and if I didn’t think it through then and there I would lose it and that would be the end of it. That alone worried me but then once I had forgotten the idea, I was over the fear.
When we were ready to leave we chose to adventure into the tunnel Zach had found simply because we had no where else to go and we didn’t even know where we were. We were near a beach but whether or not it was east coast or west or somewhere in between was beyond us so we had to wander blindly until we found something. It was a narrow tunnel but there was light from the sun that filtered in through the cracks above us so we continued on. It was definitely near some kind of tourist attraction or something because there were hundreds of footprints and graffiti on the rocks. If it were a tourist area it must have been out of season because no one was around.
As we walked through the path we talked; nothing much, as little as possible, but we did talk. Zach had all these questions, some of which I could answer and some I couldn’t. My head still throbbed and the farther we walked the more dizzy I felt.
“Can we rest?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t mind.
“Uh I guess. We can’t stop long we need to keep moving before anyone catches up to us. We don’t know how long it will take for them to realize we’re gone.” He was clearly worried but I didn’t understand why.
“What’s wrong? What are you so worried about?” He looked at me, clearly very pissed.
“Probably the group of masochistic mother fuckers out for our heads? That’s just one reason I’m concerned but whatever that’s not a huge deal!” He was yelling at me.
“Oh I wasn’t thinking of that...” I lied. I had an idea what he was talking about but an idea seemed to be as much as my mind could rap around. I put my hand to my forehead and pushed down lightly to ease the pain. I couldn’t think straight and my memory went as far back as the last few steps we had taken.
“I’m sorry dude I just don’t feel good. My head is killing me.” I got on my feet but moving too quickly, I made myself vomit. I dropped to my knees, shaking from everything that was going on. I wiped my mouth and fell sideways onto the soft sandy floor of the caves path. I held my head in my hands and felt tears begin to wet my eyes. I tried to hold them in but my body had the urge to cry and I couldn’t hold it in.
“Woah what’s wrong?” Zach was beside me instantly, rubbing my back. He pulled me close to him to comfort me while he hushed me, calming my nerves.
“I just- I just don’t remember!” I yelled, pulling away from him. My head was worse now and my judgement started to falter. Upper cutting him in the face became the only logical thing to do so clenching my fist I swung, hitting him in the nose, shattering it. He fell back, covering his face with his hands, screaming. He tried to stop the blood with his shirt but it was gushing and covering his whole body, staining the ground below him. I stood over him, proving my dominance.
He looked at me, tears now in his eyes while mine had dried, and asked me “What the fuck was that for?”
I looked down on him in pity. I hadn’t wanted to make him bleed I just wanted to hit him. Why had I hit him? I took a step back and tried to run away from him but he got to his feet and ran after me. I knew escaping him would be impossible we were in a cave for Christ’s sake, where was I gonna go?
“Would you stop? What the fuck is wrong with you? What is going on? Was it last night? Are you made or ashamed because it was one night, we can pretend it never happened!” I heard him scream but barely absorbed any of his words. His voice was foreign to me.
I saw an opening up ahead and knew I was close to the end of the tunnel. The sound of car engines and horns was echoing into the tunnel and in the distance the sound of voices was audible. I aimed for that; that was where I needed to be. I hoped it was a bus station or a train station or somewhere I could get a ride away from here, away from him.
I came up to the opening and found we were on the side of a highway. The cave was behind a big patch of bushes and as far as I could tell, probably wasn’t visible from the street. There was a sign that said to stay out of the cave, it could be dangerous. I had gotten lucky.
I ran out and pushed right through the bushes. I looked at the cars coming at me and saw I had just enough time to sprint across before they got here. I took my chances and ran.
While I was running I could hear him behind me, also reaching the outside. I didn’t dare look back for fear it would get me killed. I kept with my sprint and just as I was reaching the small patch of grass on the other side of the highway strip, I heard it. The loud, thunderous shriek of tires coming to a stop.
I fell to my knees on the grass and looked back, holding my breath. As I turned I watched as a giant mack truck, one of those 18 wheeler beasts, collided into him tiny frame. As his body met the radiator in the front of the truck, he was obliterated into a mass of broken bones and blood. As I watched in horror, I began to feel a tingle in my stomach and I realized I was hungry.
The truck came to a stop and his body fell to the ground, crumbling. I didn’t need to be sure I knew he was dead and I knew it must have been a terrible way to die but alas I couldn’t worry about what was done. Cars all pulled to a stop and as all the commotion ensued I made my way over the guardrail and walked up to the neon lit diner called “Rob’s”
I walked inside and took a seat at the counter. I didn’t have any money so I told the waitress I had lost my wallet and all I wanted was a drink. She gave me a cup of hot coffee, winked and told me for such a cute guy it’d be on the house. She was ugly and clearly tried very hard not to be. He lips were thick and bright pink, glossy with some shiny material and plumply. Her nails were the longest nails I had ever seen. She stood before me, tapping them on the counter. She then looked down and saw the blood that had saturated into my clothes and the scars that littered my otherwise good looking skin.
She flinched either from disgust or fear. I looked around the diner and turned to watch as they cleared the highway. The waitress elbowed me gently as she walked by me and said,
“Some people just can’t drive. I bet it was someone trying to merge without looking.” I nodded. She must be right, people are bad drivers.
“Excuse me ma’am, but what town is this?” I looked to her, hoping she’d be able to tell me or at least give me some sense of where I was.
“Ma’am! What do I look like, some kind of cougar?” She smiled playfully. “Sugar you’re just outside San Diego.” and she walked away. I turned back to my coffee and sipped it. Oceanside, as in California? Did I really end up in Cali? How did I end up in Cali? I drank some more and when I got ready to leave, two men in long black trench coats stood at the door. They each had cigarettes in their hands, ready to go out for a smoke. I walked up to them and asked for one.
“I don’t normally bum cigarettes but I don’t have any cash on me, could I just get one off you guys?” They looked at me and handed it to me.
“Where you from kid? You don’t look like you belong here.” The taller man put his hand on my shoulder as he asked. I flinched when he touched me. Something about him scared the shit out of me and yet I brushed it off because something else about him seemed trustable. I looked at his face and judged his appearance. He was scruffy and tall, built stalky and clearly was well in shape. His shoulder width was easily twice my own. I looked at his friend and studied him as well. He didn’t strike a single thing in me and without even taking in his appearance I turned back.
“What’s it to you?” I said, trying to be tough. I felt myself bulking myself up for fear they’d try to kick my ass. I was a pretty big guy but I was nothing compared to the beast before me. They both chuckled.
“We were just curious. You need a place to stay?” I didn’t want to admit it but I was looking for somewhere to crash even if only temporarily.
“Well I am looking for a place to stay. How much?” I didn’t have a cent to my name and if I was going to being staying with them I’d need to find some way to pay them. I planned to just make a deal with them and find a way to run away before they had a chance to collect any money. I was pretty positive I’d be able to get away before they caught on.
“You won’t owe us a cent. We run a...” He stalled and looked at the shorter man “a facility of sorts. You won’t be charged as long as you can keep up with the requirements of our establishment. Consider it like a hostel.” I thought about it for a second and thought it sounded pretty sweet. I nodded in agreement and got up.
We left the diner and they led me to a van. I got in and we began to drive. I fell asleep but when we arrived I awoke. I wasn’t sure where we were but it resembled a college campus or a hotel or some weird mash up of the two. They led me around showing me what everything was and where I had to be for what. They took me to a room and told me if I needed anything to just ask. The bigger guy handed me a card with his number on it.
Laying on the bed I thought about life and realized I was covered in dirt and blood. I couldn’t remember how that had happened so I went and showered and when I checked the closet, everything was exactly the size I wore. I went and opened the refrigerator and found a gallon on 1% milk and three bottles; Gray Goose, Belvedere and Kettle One, all three being my three favorite kinds of vodka. I smiled, thanking the universe and whoever had conspired to make such an amazing coincident occur.
In the cabinets was a full carton of Newport cigarettes, two blue lighters and a box of matches. I found three candles, some books and a CD player. There was a nice flat screen TV balanced squarely on the dresser and a PS3 attached to it. I went through the closet and found a whole assortment of clothes that fit my style preferences perfectly. I weeded through and picked out something I liked.
I dressed in a pair of short blue shorts and a black v-neck teeshirt similar to the one I had been wearing. I found a hoodie also very similar to my own and put that on as well. It was chilly out and I didn’t want to freeze. I poured myself a glass of milk, drank it and went for a walk around the grounds. I was walking behind my building and I found a circle of people sitting around a fire. They all looked miserable and a small group of men in cloaks stood at the head of the assembly. I got closer to them and realized they were having some kind of a meeting. I went over and sat at the edge of the circle, leaning against a tree.
As the event continued on I watched in horror as the cloaked men forced a group of teenagers to stick burning metal poles into their flesh. I was disgusted and had to strain to not vomit. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cigarettes I had found in my room. I lit one and leaned against the tree, closing my eyes. I smoked slowly and just thought about everything. This place was fucked! I didn’t want to admit it to myself but I knew I was getting myself into something serious and this kind of shit wasn’t something I could just run away from. My mind began to wander as I leaned against the tree.
I was thinking about my older brother who had died on me a few years back. I missed him. I wondered if he were in heaven or limbo or somewhere where he could look down on me. I wonder if he was watching me right now smoking this damn cigarette. He’d kill me for smoking! Considering he died of lung cancer at a very young age, I felt I owed him at least to quit and yet I never did. I needed nicotine to get me through the days. After all I wasn’t fed much so I smoked to ease my hunger.
I wanted a out of life but when I moved out to California I somehow got off track and eventually lost track of my future. Now I had this, a life of pointless nothings. I took a long drag when someone shook me.
“Adam, it’s your turn.” I opened my eyes and looked at him. He gestured for me to walk into the circle. I threw down my cigarette and stomped it out. I handed him my hoodie and began my journey into the center of the circle.
Slipping ideas
I walked down the staircase at a quick pace. I desperately wanted some fresh air. As I circled down the gray steps, I began to quicken my pace, taking two and three steps at a time until I was jumping almost the entire length of each stretch. I got to the bottom and swung the door open. I stepped out into the yard and looked around.
The tall gray walls were unnerving in the dim, fading sunlight. I tried to look around but there wasn’t anything going on. I walked along the way, tracing my finger in an up and down motion, feeling the coarse texture of the aged cement. I looked towards the woods where I figured everyone was. It was around six meaning everyone was in session. The tree’s were thick but the path was wide and the closer you got the easier to see through them it was.
The tall brick walls surrounding the camp were just as sinister as everything else. We all knew why they were there but no one ever thought more into it. I looked at the wall and watched as it wove around the trees, into the woods, and back around on the opposite side; fencing us in completely. It wasn’t as if we were totally trapped or anything, there were gates every so far we just weren’t allowed to use them.
I was moving into the tree’s now, following the pale light of a fire. As I got closer I saw a group of kids sitting in one of the meeting spots. There were elders in the center, dressed in their typical attire, leading the proceeding. I watched as they instructed the kids and orders the nights task. I wasn’t part of the group but I joined anyways. I saw a couple kids sitting by the fire I knew so I figured to just go with it. I didn’t have anything better going on.
When I first saw what they were doing I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around it. My stomach churned, wanting to release its contents but I withheld the urge to vomit. It was vulgar but I had to maintain my composure. That was one of the only rules; maintain composure. I turned away and held my breath.
I had never wanted or felt like I needed a drink more in my entire life. What had I gotten myself into? Why had I joined a cult full of masochistic fuckers who believe that pain is the key to enlightenment? I reached into my pocket and grabbed my cigarettes. If I wasn’t getting that martini I was going to smoke. All I did these days was lay in my room silently sipping Belvedere from the bottle and smoking Newport’s. I wanted so badly for life to go back to the way it used to be. I wanted to undo all my mistakes. Ever since I moved out here my life had gone downhill so fast I was already at rock bottom and somehow digging deeper.
Two elders who ran the cult had found me in a diner one night trying to bum cigarettes off of them. They told me if I joined them they’d provide me with anything I wanted, including a home and food. Obviously I couldn't turn that down and I didn't even need to pay a thing, all I had to do was do as I was instructed and not question their intents. I didn’t really get it then; I still don’t really get it.
When I first joined it was easy enough. Don’t eat unless there was a feast, don’t sleep outside of sleep hours, and don’t medicate beyond the absolutely necessary. It was the easiest shit and I was given the world in return, until you reached level two, then it got harder. Soon self mutilation became an everyday occurrence and the meals came less and less. Pretty soon all we were allowed was alcohol, cigarettes, water and milk. We couldn’t get our hands on a single bread crumb. It was terrible and everyone hated it yet we thrived off of it.
The worst part was what they made us do. It started slow, things like being whipped once in a while or being beaten before bed, then it became more intense, things like slitting your wrists with diamonds and watching as your friends did the same. It was some fucked up shit and yet, something inside me wanted to do it. I liked the rush of challenging the endurance of my body. Something about it made me feel alive even though I knew it was killing me, literally and emotionally.
Today was apparently cauterizing ourselves. It sounds crazy but then again this whole God damn place was. I felt like the only sane one here aside from this one guy I had met here. His name was Zach and he was here because his mother had left him to fend for himself when he was thirteen and like me, the elders got a hold of him. We were the only two here who knew how fucked this whole establishment was and yet we never left. There were a few others who weren’t as off their rockers as the rest but even the few we came across we pretty tapped in the head. A lot of the kids had been raised here so to them they didn’t know much better.
Zach and I had developed a bond similar to what I used to have with my brother. Until the day he died we were best friends and I sought to fill that void with whatever I could and Zach seemed to fit perfectly. It’s safe to say he’s definitely my best friend here although we rarely do what typical best friends do. He’s a year older than me and we look out for each other even though he’s the one always seeming to be rescuing me. My very first night under the second level, the level where shit gets intense, Zach had to carry me to my room because the pain was so intense I couldn’t stand. It took me three days before I could leave my room.
This place wasn’t all bad. I mean obviously the forcing us to torture ourselves was morally unethical but as for how they treated us it was pretty sweet. We each had out own rooms, we shared a bathroom with one other person, all out food was paid for and we were given unlimited medical care from some of the worlds best doctors. Considering they made us insert smoldering hot pieces of iron into our thighs they had better keep good doctors on call otherwise they’d surly loose several of their kids quickly. Another perk was if we wanted anything, like the newest gaming console or an ounce of cocaine, it would be on our doorstep the following day. That was the best part; I could have anything in the world, when I wanted it, for no charge what so ever.
Some days were obviously worse than others. They picked the torture like they were picking names out of a hat. It was always random and always creative. Today we had to do our inner thighs but last week we had a day that we had to push a sewing needle straight into our pupils. Like I said, this place was fucked.
The thing is, it doesn’t even hurt. When they told us that was what we would be doing for the night I nearly dropped dead. If Zach hadn’t been with me to push me through it I never would have been able to. It’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling but it doesn’t hurt. According to Zach there aren’t any pain receptors in your eyes for it to hurt so its just a huge mental fuck to have to do it. Regardless of how it feels, sticking a needle into your eye is the scariest shit I’ve ever had to do.
We were all sitting in a circle in the field behind the main building. I was waiting for my turn so I lit up a cigarette and leaned my head against the tree I was sitting besides. Zach was ahead of me, as he always was so if I couldn’t handle it he’d already be done and could get me home. As I took a long, heavy drag I felt Zach shaking my shoulder.
“Dude, you’re up.” I put my cigarette out under my foot and stood up. Handing my hoodie to him I nodded and absorbed every bit of reassuring consolation from him. He wasn’t limping so it couldn’t be that bad. Usually on the weekdays the tasks began pretty simple and as the week went on got worse. We think the elders just like to test us and push us, see what our limits are. The end of the week is the worst because that’s when they break out the legitimately fucked up shit you think only happens in movies. Ever see “Saw”? Yeah, that kind of shit.
Slowly I began my journey to the center of the circle. It was the same kind of feeling I assume you would get walking the plank of a pirate ship. All of the elders’ eyes were on me, waiting for me to take the rod. I knew they’d get mad for me taking so long but they also knew I never once missed a single task regardless of the reason. What was terrible was I didn’t need to be here for this, I wasn’t supposed to be but no one stopped me and no one questioned, I just walked in and joined.
Sometimes people would faint before or occasionally a girl wouldn’t be able to do a task due to menstrual reasons but Zach and I never missed. We took some kind of pride in that. It almost solidified us as the tough guys here even though everyone else here was a bunch of cracked out, hopeless fuckers. It was sad really that everyone here was either a lost cause or a hot mess and in most cases, they were both.
I was in the center of the circle standing in dirt. There were three elders, all men, standing before me. They were in their ceremonial cloaks, the most stereotypical characteristic of this cult; the cloaks. I knew one of them, his name was Luke. He honestly seemed to be a fairly nice guy but at the same time, I’m big on giving everyone the benefit of the doubt even when it isn’t due. He always talked us through the tasks, pushing us to complete them quickly. That was why I saw him as a nice guy. He knew it sucked and he knew that it hurt like hell so he pushed us through so we’d be done quicker. That made him seem alright to me.
Standing in the center of the circle Luke handed me a long, skinny metal rod with a smoldering orange tip. I took it and looked over to Zach for support and reassurance, but found something I rarely saw; he was smoking a cigarette. Zach never drank or smoked or did anything bad. All he ever did was sit on his balcony and read. Something told me he’d be leaving here soon, I could just feel it. He had a yearning lust for a normal life that I could see clear as day but he was too afraid to ever admit it. He was stronger than me in so many way but he wasn’t bold like I was. He was stuck here because his cunt of a mother, I was here because I chose to be.
I wish he drank but he didn’t. Luckily he understood how drinking and smoking was all I had to keep me sane. Sometimes he’d light up with me but that happened once in a great while and only when shit got really bad. As I said, he was a lot stronger than I was. Being abandoned by his family at such a young age didn’t give him much of a choice but to be strong. I envied that about him.
We became friends for a lot of reasons, I was trying to replace my brother, he needed companionship, that kind of stuff. The thing that really brought us together though was that we completed each other; what he had I needed and vice versa. I wish my body could heal as quickly as his did. He’d have a bruise or a scar for a few days while mine would last up to a few weeks. He was a lot thinner than I was but I was athletic, he was just skin and bones.
He had a more “lead singer of a punk band” look, with long skinny features, lanky limbs and skinny physique where I was cursed with the hulk-like features of a football player. We had the same color hair, brown, and I had blue eyes while he had greenish brown eyes. They weren’t hazel though, they were greenish brown.
Standing in front of the elders with the rod in hand made me feel somehow dignified. Being able to say I stood in front of these guys and was able to do things to myself that most people couldn’t even imagine made me proud. This place made me feel like although very misguided and lost, I was accepted. I was respected too because I was strong while everyone else here was just a group of abandoned druggies who didn’t even realize how deep the water they were in was. I however did and luckily I’m a damn good swimmer.
“Are you ready or are you just going to waste more of my time?” The elder was talking to me. No one knew the true story behind this place but the rumor was that all the elders were rich old war veterans, retired cops and shit like that, that joined together to create a place where they could teach discipline to kids who took life for granted. If that were true these dudes ideas of teaching were a little off track but they were good at being hard asses and they sure had taught me a few things so perhaps they are doing exactly what the rumors say.
I sat on the edge of the seat they had prepared for us. There was a little trickling of blood on it, still wet, that soaked into my shorts when I sat on it. I knew I had to get this over with quick. Something was wrong with Zach and every moment I spent doing this was a moment that I could be spending taking care of him. He may be the physically stronger one but I am by far stronger emotionally than he probably ever will be. He never was raised to be strong or to handle his emotions, he just turned them all off.
The part of the rod I was holding was burning my hand and I could tell that the tip that was glowing would be a thousand times hotter pressed against my bare thigh. Inhaling deeply I slowly moved it towards my skin. As I always did I hesitated, closed my eyes and held my breath. I don’t know why I always do this but no matter what the task is, I follow the same procedure.
I opened my eyes and looked over to Zach. He puffed smoke out of his mouth and nodded sadly at me. I bit my lip and slammed the scorching hot rod into my thigh. As the metal seared into my skin I bit harder into my flesh. After thirty seconds the elders stopped me and I released the vice grip bite I had on my lip. The taste of blood flushed into my mouth, soaking that odd taste of copper into my flesh. As it was pulled away, the skin on my thigh peeled off and stung insanely. I didn’t wince or cry; this was one of the easier punishments. The elders bandaged my leg up and told me I could go.
As I walked back through the circle towards Zach I looked closely at everyones faces. No one seemed alive anymore. I had never noticed before but we never knew what happened to people when they left. We had always just assumed they left by their own will and that was that but considering what went on here I couldn’t help but wonder if they were dumb enough to let people our age who were put through this kind of shit go without some kind of consequence. I also couldn’t help but wonder if they even let people go at all.
I reached Zach and he was leaning against the tree still only now his eyes were closed. He had a cigarette in his mouth but it was smoked almost all the way to the filter and the ashes were about to fall from the tip. He was pale and didn’t look like his usual self. I could tell he wasn’t doing well. Over the course of our friendship I had become good at telling what he was thinking just by the look in his eyes.
“Hey.” I didn’t need much, just enough for him to look up at me. When he raised his head he dropped the cigarette and it landed on his wrist. He didn’t even flinch from the burn, he simply flicked it off and looked at me. His typically vibrant green eyes were grey and sunken.
“Dude you look like shit are you all right?” I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.
“This shit sucks. I can’t take it anymore.” I knew that was where we’d end up. I had a plan. I gestured for him to start down the path back to the housing. The woods were behind the buildings. The entire establishment was designed almost like a college campus or a hotel. It had several main buildings in the front that looked like a school. Then in the back were the housing complexes where we all lived. Behind those were the thick woods which luckily kept the torture locations hidden from the streets.
“Do you have anything here that you feel you’ll still have in six months?” He looked puzzled. I was trying to walk fast but he was moving at a glacial pace and I was annoyed.
“Well I just began reading ‘The Alchemist’ but otherwise I don't really have anything of importance, just my books.” The answer I was expecting.
“I see, well books can be bought just about anywhere so go get all your money and meet me outside your room in five minutes, I’ll be right up. If you’re going to bring anything keep it minimal and light.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He had stopped. We really didn’t have time for this. We needed to move quick if we had any chance of surviving.
“How do you feel about this place? Do you like it? Does it seem like the kind of place you want to spend the rest of your life in?” I felt like the parent he never had. I felt justified being his voice of reason as although I wasn’t that smart I was always pretty logical, therefor it felt right.
“I fucking hate it. This place sucks.” I nodded.
“Exactly, that’s why we’re getting out of here.” He looked at me in shock. I knew I sounded crazy but come on, we were part of a fucking cult!
“No, no way we’re getting out of here. They’ll kill us!”
“Oh really? And you know that how? Have you tried?” I was angry at him for not instantly joining me on my bandwagon.
“Well I’ve been here for years and no one’s ever left. You either die or get thrown out; there aren’t any other options. Besides, were will we go? Do you know where the fuck we are because I have no clue.” He was walking away from me, slightly limping.
“Look at it like this, we have two options; stay here and die or get the fuck out of here and fight until they get us. One way or another we’re in it together and I don’t plan on the latter turning out that way. If we get out of here I’ll be damned if we’re caught.”
He paced back and forth. I knew he wanted to but he was scared. His biggest downfall was his doubts. He never thought anything could end in a happy ending.
“We have no where to go. No one to turn to for help. No plan.” He was flailing his arms in the air like he was insane. I chuckled and he glared at me.
“Look, Zach, I know where you’re coming from but come on, take a chance and just trust me. Please?” I made a sad, puppy dog face at him and I saw his lips strain to form into a smile. He fought to repress it but it was clear he couldn’t help it. He finally smiled at me and shook his head.
“We’re dead...but ok.” I smiled back and we continued to our rooms. His was in the East building which was one over from mine which was the Central building. We went out separate ways and I noticed how deserted the place was. For a place so set on rules and restrictions, the security was minimal and kind of sucked. I figure they probably think that because they treat us so fucking terrible with the torture and shit but so well with the rewards that we wouldn’t be stupid enough to try to escape. Apparently Zach and I were that stupid.
After I grabbed my one silver dollar and a pack of cigarettes I went off to Zach’s room. My head throbbed in pain but I had no aspirin to ease my suffering so I just breathed deeply and tried to ignore it.
I slammed on his door waiting for him to answer. MY thigh tingled in pain and I winced when I reached down to itch it. Blood was saturating into the denim and it startled me to touch. It took me a moment to remember but somehow I had forgotten how it had gotten there. The wound hadn’t begun healing yet but it was finally easing on the pain. The pain I had managed to forget.
He answered and let me inside. It was rare I ever came here because Zach wasn’t organized like I am. I need everything neat and orderly while he just left books and clothes and shit everywhere. His room was spotless. Everything was neatly stacked and folded and hung, clearly an improvement.
“Wow it looks pretty spiffy in here. What’s that all about?”
“I just felt the need to clean. Don’t ask.” He brushed me off and grabbed a sweatshirt. “So what’s the plan?”
“We leave at the crack of dawn.” I said as I laid down on his bed. “Right now, we got to get some rest so we’re ready to go before the sun hits the horizon.”
She leaned forward and brushed her nose against the younger girls. They were close, inching closer with every breath. Soon the woman held the girls face between her hands and pulled back to look her in the eyes. They both had bright blue eyes that could be seen from a distance. They sparkled in the fading sunlight.
The woman had short hair and the girl had short, blonde hair. It was cut like a young boy’s would be, only slightly longer and pinned back with two bobby-pins; one next to each ear.
The two stood side by side along the beach, hand in hand. They leaned in for a kiss as we approached them. The older woman was clearly the more experienced as she appeared to be twice the girls age. Surprisingly, they looked more in love than any couple I had ever seen in my life. Then again though, I have hardly seen any couples outside the confines of that damn place. We were closer now and I watched as the older woman’s face got closer to the girls still. Just before the kiss occurred, the woman stuck out her tongue and licked the girl from her chin up to her cheekbone. The girl grimaced and reared back; disgusted.
I had never seen a same sex couple before and this was my first encounter with one. Zach looked equally as shocked as I felt but I figured he was repulsed by the lick the woman just gave that poor girl. We watched as she wiped spit off her face and ran across the beach into the waves.
I grabbed Zach by the hand and pulled him along. He was tiring out and his fatigue was slowly getting a hold of me. We had been on the move since the crack of dawn and afternoon was rolling in. I could feel my eyes getting heavier as we ran down the sandy beach. As each wave crashed against the ground, I felt my heart beat a little slower. I was finally calming down. No one had ever gotten out, out alive at least.
We ran down the beach as fast as we could. I never knew the cult was actually located right near the coast. It had been so long since I had gotten there and I had been transported there from wherever they found me in a van so I never actually got to see what was around. It was astonishing that the entire time we spent locked in those damn walls this beautiful beach was right near by.
Zach slowed and stopped. I turned and faced him, breathing heavily. All that smoking was killing me and yet I was able to go a lot faster a lot farther than he.
“Dude why are you stopping?” I said, confused. I struggled to breathe calmly. My lungs tightened and felt icy as I huffed deeply.
“I can’t run anymore. Please, we’re not being followed let’s just go slow.” He looked red in the face. I realized he had so much going for him. Something about this very moment summed up the incredible man he was all into one split second. What it was I will never know because he was acting stupid. He didn’t know if we were being followed or not and for all we knew they were already right behind us, about to get us.
I stepped towards him and took his hands in mine. His face went blank as he stared at me, clearly confused. I lifted his arms up and wrapped mine around his waist, hugging him tightly. He hesitated and then hugged me back. We embraced for only a moment before we were back on the run.
I can’t really explain why I hugged him. It seemed like the right thing to do. I knew feeling the warmth of his body, the stiff muscles of his chest against mine, made my heart slow and my lungs relax. It felt right.
We moved slower but still at a fast pace. We needed to get out of the open and find somewhere to hide but neither of us knew where we were or where we were going. His entire family, that he knew of, was gone and my whole family was thousands of miles away. It got even harder to think when we realized neither of us had eaten in almost a full day. Zach breathed deeply behind me and began to cough. I turned back to him again and looked at him, making sure he was ok. He looked pale and tired, really tired, and sick.
“Zach are you ok?” I knew it was a dumb question but I had to say something instead of just looking at him. He shook his head but then mumbled that he was fine and we kept on. The beach curved up towards some cliffs and overhangs. There was bound to be a cave or something up ahead and I figured we’d be able to find some refuge there for the night. We walked close to the water, my arm around him, supporting him. I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew something wasn’t right.
We were going along when the older woman stopped us. She was short and wearing a beautiful and simple dress that hugged tightly around her waist, pushing her breasts up and outwards, renewing her youthful looks. She was pretty but nothing too stunning and yet I found her to be a marvelous specimen. She was the kind of woman I would love to cast in a musical or a 1950’s romantic comedy. The one thing that really pissed me off about her was how she let her hair just hang over her shoulders. It was too short to be done but too long to be left untamed. So as a solution she just let it hang.
“Are you boys ok?” She was looking at Zach when she asked.
“Yes, ma'am he’s just not feeling so well at the moment and I’m trying to get him home so he can at least go lay down or something.” I lied right through my teeth. If she knew anything about the cult there was high potential they would hunt her down and kill her just as quickly as they would us.
She looked at us and eyes some of the visible scars we shared. She could see on my thigh the thin red line of blood that stained into the denim after cauterizing my thigh. The scabs had already taken over the wound but all the running and friction from the thick jeans made it bleed as we ran.
“If you say so.” She looked skeptical but did not persist. “Would you like some dinner while you're passing?”
“Dinner?” Zach was suddenly fine and wide awake.
“Yes, dear, dinner. We come out here all the time to just sit and eat in the silence. I like the hear nothing but the waves. It soothes us. Ever since my husband died I’ve been lonely you know?” She looked at the ground, a single tear staining her perfectly done makeup. “Thank God I found love in Katie down there. It’s mostly companionship I need but she makes me happy and I her.” She smiled over at the blonde girl who was out splashing in the water. We both waved and turned back to the older woman. “I have a light meal set for us but seeing as I live right over that hill I can just eat when I get back. Here, take it.” She handed us a picnic basket. I was shocked by her kindness. IT hadn’t been that long since I had been in the confines of the cult had it? Had all of mankind suddenly become super nice?
Zach was already digging through the basket looking for something to eat. He picked out a bottle of water and an orange. I knew he loved fruit but he tore at it like he was a savage beast. It was big and thick, rotund more-so and clearly juicy. I watched as he scoffed it down in a matter of moments. He was hungry! That explained a lot of why he was so pale.
“Slow down killer, you’ll make yourself sick.” I didn’t want to become one of those friends who control every aspect of others but I was right, he would get sick if he ate too fast.
“Thank you so much for this miss, it means a lot to us. We’re starved.”
She looked at us and smiled genuinely. I wasn’t sure what to think of her. She seemed nice and sweet but superficial. I had learned growing up that jumping to conclusions about people was never a good idea but I couldn’t help myself. I smiled back and we turned and continued on. I took the basket from Zach and told him to chew.
“You’ve got enough food in your mouth as it is to get you through the next week. Chew it and then I’ll give you more. I didn’t realize I was babysitting.” Zach frowned.
“I’m sorry.” He spit out his food and began to run. I didn’t know what to do so I took off after him. He was fucking quick when he wanted to be but I guess guys with long legs tend to be. Not only was he quicker but I had to carry a heavy basket and try not to spill anything all over the beach so chasing him wasn’t really convenient for me.
“What are you doing? I thought you wanted to walk?” He was so far ahead of me. We were closing in on the cliffs and just as he was about to hit them he took a sharp turn to the right and began running in the water around the rocks. I stopped at the edge and threw my hands into the air, letting the basket fall and spill its contents onto the beach.
“OK you’ve got me; what?” He must be in desperate need of some kind of attention. He kept going, moving around the rocks with ease. The water wasn’t too deep but it was still more than a small puddle. I nelt down and scooped everything back into the basket, latching the small hook to keep it shut. I went to stand and intense ringing went off in my head and I faltered, about to fall over. I fell back to my knees and rubbed my temple. My migraine had come back and apparently was kicking for so serious torture. I shook it off and got back onto my feet. Cars passed by on the highway opposite the beach and as they disappeared into the tunnel in the rocks I assumed they stared at us two tattered and dirty guys running around the beach with a basket. I felt embarrassed.
I looked back and the woman was on her beach blanket, cuddling with the younger girl. I didn’t believe her when she said she just needed the company. No one just needs company. Me and Zach only needed company and now we’re practically attached at the hips. I took a breath and began to move.
I ran after him and made the same turns around the rock wall beside us. As I rounded the first corner he was already twenty feet away turning around another bend in the tall rock cliffs. I felt like I was chasing after some fucking criminal in a movie. I tried to catch up but he was moving quicker than I had ever seen him move.
We were moving into the rock bed now. The cliffs had jetted out into the water about a hundred feet then curled back around in a hook, creating a gulf or a bay of some kind. From the outside you could only make out the tall cliffs but the farther in you got the more visible everything became. I was amazed with what he had found. Within it was a small patch of sand, a cave and best of all, shelter for the night.
“Zach would you fucking stop?”
He had stopped. His shorts were soaked and half his shirt was too. The light green was now dark, like moss. He turned to me and was frowning. I looked closely and he was crying. He was standing just out of the water and as tears began to fall from his eyes and fell to his knees. He was crying loudly and I did my best to get to him as quickly as possible. I threw myself on the ground beside him and took him into my arms. I hugged him close to me, trying desperately to think of what to say or what to do. When I was a kid my mom would always hug me and kiss my head when I was upset so I pulled him close to my chest and did as she would. He grabbed on to me, embracing my touch. I hushed him softly, assuring him it was ok to cry. I had never been this person.
I wasn’t one for emotion. I don’t think I had cried a single time since I had been locked in the cult and before I never had anything to cry about. I didn’t know how my emotions worked or how other peoples did. All I knew was that when someone was doing what he was doing, I had to do something to make it stop. All this crying freaked me out.
“Zach what’s wrong? Buddy talk to me, it’s me, your best friend.” I rubbed his back in circles, letting him know I cared. I didn’t want to let him down yet. We had a long journey ahead of us and if I couldn’t help him now what good would I be when he really needed me? He pulled away from me.
Standing up, he took off his hoodie and pulled his shirt up over his head and took it off, throwing it towards the rocks behind us. He walked away from me so all I could see was his back. It wasn’t until this very moment that I realized how firm and toned his back was. I never thought of him as anything but skinny but I noticed the definition in his muscles and how you could see where his back was strong. He walked away and turned to me, still in tears.
“Do you fucking realize what we’re doing? We’re on the run from a group of crazy mother fucking cult leaders. They’re bound to find us and catch us and I’m pretty sure we’re fucked if they do.”
“Zach, you know this is what we have to do. We were both dying there and if we didn’t get out when we did, it would only be a matter of time before we rotted there. I know this is a lot all at once but it’s for the best.”
“Is it though?” He turned away again and I noticed a dark patch of skin on his side, right near his ribcage under his arm. It was odd but I never noticed him without clothes on before and I thought back in my memory and realized I had never actually seen him without clothes on. He was always in a tee-shirt and cut off jean shorts. Sure his body couldn’t be anything crazy but I had always just assumed.
“I think it’s worth it and besides would you rather try to escape with me or someone else? I’m your best friend!” I smirked, trying to lighten the mood if possible. He grinned back. He wasn’t crying anymore but he still looked very upset. I got on my feet and moved over to him. I hugged him again but he pulled away. Something was happening, I wasn’t sure what but I could feel something powerful going on between us.
“That’s exactly it. You’re my best friend.” He turned away from me. I stopped to think for a second.
“I don’t think I could live a single day without you.” He smiled at me as he turned back. I took my hoodie off and laid it on the ground neatly. We needed somewhere to sleep and all we had was clothes and whatever else the woman had given us.
“Hand me your sweatshirt and tee-shirt, we need to make some kind of bed for us to sleep on. All we have is our clothes.” He handed me his and turned towards the water. It was going to get dark soon and the sun was starting to sink into the horizon. I took my shirt off and unbuckled my belt. I pulled my pants down and took my jeans and laid them down as well. I figured whatever we could use we would. I reached for the basket and dug through it. There was a small table cloth that I used as well; the rest was food and water.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or are you just going to leave me wondering?” I said it without turning to him. When he didn’t answer I stood up and looked at him. He looked away, refusing to make eye contact.
“Zach what the fuck, are you going to just ignore me?” I was getting angry. In nothing but a pair of bright red briefs I stomped across the small sandy beach and grabbed him by the shoulder, forcing him to face me. He was crying again. It wasn’t as bad as before but none-the-less he was in fact in tears. Pulling him in, I hugged him, embracing him with all I could.
“Do you get how hard this is for me?”
“Well of course I do it’s hard for me too but we needed to get out. It was now or never.”
“Not that.” I let him go and pulled back. I didn’t know what he was talking about.
“You know I’ve never been kissed? I’ve never had sex or dated. I’ve only read about what cuddling is in books and even then it was very little. I don’t know what it means to love or to lose or to feel anymore. All I know is that my mind and my heart finally agree on something and it’s something that’s off limits.” He looked at me with bloodshot eyes. My mind was cranking, trying to piece everything together. He looked me in the eyes and then, almost missing it, I caught him glance down.
“Did you just...”
“Yeah.” He looked worried.
“You just looked at my penis didn’t you?” I was slightly angry but at the same time pleased and also turned on. What was happening in my head? Was I gay? It wasn’t something I had ever bothered to consider. I had always just thought it unimportant considering I thought I would be dead by now.
“I used to lie in bed at night and hope to God you would knock on my door confessing your love for me. Since we met I knew you were special. I have never met someone who could take me from rock bottom to sky high like you can. You’ve been all that has kept me sane. All that has given me hope. I knew when we met that I would fall in love with you, it was just a matter of time.
“If you hate me for this or you want to hit me, I understand. I just can’t hold it inside any more. I’ve been dying trying to keep it from you. That’s why I haven’t been myself lately, I’ve been thinking about you. Every second of every day you course through my veins, consuming all my thoughts.” He paused. “Why are you smiling?”
I look at him in the eyes thanking God briefly for letting us meet. It wasn’t something I had ever thought about but now that it was brought to question, I felt like I did love him. I definitely felt something for this skinny boy standing in front of me. He was all I have had for so long and now it was just the two of us, no cult, and no losers, just us. The entire world seemed to be on hold for us and it felt right. I stepped towards him and grabbed him around his back.
“So you’ve never been kissed?” His eyes looked scared but excited. I had never done something like this before but I was sure it couldn’t be too hard and besides it was done in movies and books all the time plus he had never had anything to compare this too so he’d love it regardless.
Leaning in and taking his chin with my free hand, I lifted it so our lips could meet. I moved in slowly, taking my time to get it right. As our lips met, I felt an explosion of joy go off inside of me, making me want to take him into my arms and never let go. At first we didn’t move but then he took control and kissed back. After a moment of that, I felt him pulling away. He stood before me in his tight cutoff jeans and dirty Vans sneakers.
I smiled at him, letting every muscle in my body flex without trying to flex too hard. I knew it did something for him because I watched a thick bulge grow in his shorts. He reached for the button and quickly had them off. He didn’t waste a second getting his gray boxers off. Once completely naked he pushed me on top of our makeshift bed and we began to kiss passionately for what seemed like a perfect eternity.
He asked me to make love to him and at first, I resisted. But after a while of being with him, kissing him and feeling his body become one with mine, we made love and it was everything I had ever thought it would be. We both began that night as virgins and ended as one whole entity. Everything else became meaningless.
We lay there, holding each other, loving each other. I held him in my arms as we stared into the night sky up and the stars.
“I love you.” He whispered in my ear. I cuddled up against him, holding him tightly. His warmth and mine combined was enough to keep us comfortable for the night.
“I’m glad we’re on the run together.” He said and then I heard his breathing slow and soften and he was asleep. I looked up into the night sky and wondered what that had meant as I too drifted off to sleep.
Water doused my toes as the tide drifted up the small patch of sand we had slept on. The sun was beginning to peak over the horizon, filling the grotto with light. I sat up and looked around, trying to remember where we were. I still wasn’t sure where we were at or even what state we were in. We had been in those damn confines for so long that everything seemed so foreign.
I felt on the ground beside me for Zach but he was gone. Feeling my heart pump faster I began to worry. I wasn’t sure where he was and instantly I began to panic. I stood up, stark naked, and started shouting for him. A sharp pain shot through me; the fear that he was gone. Only seconds after I started hyperventilating did he show himself. He was somehow hidden behind some rocks that looked like a wall up under the caves overhang.
“What are you doing? You scared me to death!” I reached to my side and grabbed my pants. I got them on and went over to him. He was standing behind this rock that looked flat but when I got closer to it I realized it was huge and led into the cave. I hadn’t actually checked this place out before we crashed here like I should have but apparently there was an actual cave inside the cliffs not just an overhang.
“What’s back here?” I asked as I pulled my shirt over my head. I smelt like sweat and salt water; not a good combination.
“I don’t know I didn’t want to go too far while you were still out. Did you sleep well?”
I nodded in agreement and looked into the cave.
“Dude I’m starved!” I held my stomach. He pointed to the basket from the night before. My mind was having trouble deciphering what had happened and what I had made up. I was starting to slip and it was scaring me. I felt my head start to pound.
“Was there any aspirin in the picnic basket by any chance?” I knew the basket was real, it was right in front of me. Why was my memory so foggy? I went to it and lifted the top open, pulling out an orange and laying it down beside me. I dug down and into the basket. Zach was quiet, ignoring my question. I found none and kicked the small wicker crate out of frustration.
“Fuck my head is killing me.” I sat against the wall of the cliff and started to peel the skin of the orange.
“Well we had a rough night. Just relax and I’ll come up with a plan of action.” He was taking initiative which I appreciated considering how terrible my headache was. He came over and sat beside me, resting his head on my shoulder.
“How’d you end up in the cult?” He said it softly and sexually almost. I got a ting of heat from it which puzzled me. Had something happened last night I couldn’t remember?
“You tell me first.” I said. I wasn’t really sure how I got there, I just knew that it was the last resort before I offed myself in a hotel room with a razor and cheap vodka.
“When I was little, my mom was a drug addict. Not like the kind that lives in a dumpster begging for change to buy crack, the kind who sleeps with doctors to get prescriptions for pain killers and sleeping pills. She always said it was for her back but I know she was lying. When I was actually brought to the cult I was thirteen. It was scary as shit but at the same time exciting. I felt like I was in some movie where I would be driving cars through buildings and shooting at masked men in black suits but obviously that isn't what happened.
“She got a hold of the elders somehow and decided it was a good place for a boy like me. She always told me I was special growing up and that even though my father left because of me, she still loved me. The elders brought me to the cult and they gave me one of the nicest rooms I had ever seen. I was given everything I had ever desired and more! I was able to sleep all day, eat what I wanted, and I got the coolest toys and games. Until one day things changed.
“I was summoned from my room and told that it was time for my test. Of course at the time I didn’t know what they meant so I immediately began to argue that I hadn’t studied and that I wasn’t ready but they didn’t do anything but laugh.”
“What happened to your mother?” I was curious.
“I’m getting to that. So as the elders stood before me laughing I felt myself start to get nervous. I was only thirteen and had no fucking clue what was going on. I could hear my moms raspy voice in the back of my mind and I prayed to be taken back to when I was a child and she would read me stories before bed, before she got into drugs.
“I was taken by the elders down a long hallway where they took me into a room. I was only there that once and never have I been back but I will never forget it. There were long dark walls all painted black and in the center of the room was a sunken in stairwell that went down five steps from every direction. It was the most traumatizing event of my life.
“In the center of my room, hanging from a tall post with her hands chained beside her like a marionette was my mother. They had stripped her naked and she was shaking so fiercely from the cold. That was the most powerful force in the room; the cold. I wanted to run to her, to hug her, to kiss her but before I could an elder grabbed me and held me back.
“No boy, it’s time for your test.” He walked me to her and set me in front of her. She was bound up by about thirty chains and I could see fear and pain and horror in her eyes. She looked at me. They had her gagged with a cloth and when I went to remove it, the same elder smacked me, preventing me from helping her. Standing before her I reached out my hand and touched her face. She was so cold our skin stuck together and as I pulled away, tiny bits of her skin peeled off, the blood drying almost instantly.
“The elder handed me a brick and told me what my test was. He told me she had abused her life and had abused me and now was her time for judgement and that I needed to be the one to teach her. Before my very eyes I watched as the chains lifted her off the ground and dangled her in front of me.
“I had two options. I could sit and slowly watch her starve and rot to death in front of me or I could take her life into my own hands and use the brick to end it. I refused both.”
Mortified at what he was telling me, I began to rock my self slightly, trying to numb the growing ache in my stomach. He had his hand on my chest and his body close to mine, snuggling against me for warmth.
“I sat there for three days. Neither of us being allowed to eat or drink, forced to relieve our bodies right there. It was disgusting but I would not let my mother die without me being there to comfort her. I tried to un-chain her but the elders stopped me each time.
“While time went on she got weaker and soon the convulsions began. She couldn’t control her body and finally at the end of the third day, she reached out with all of her might, hardly able to reach, and patted me on the cheek. She mumbled to me something horrifying and yet it was something I expected.
“‘Do it. Please, end my life now. I can’t suffer like this any longer. God have mercy on your soul for what they make you do to me. I didn’t know this was what this place was.’” I looked into her now dull green eyes and clutched the brick in my hand. I had little strength but I knew I had one thing to do.
Gripping the brick tightly I began to pound her in the face as hard as I could. Before my very eyes I watched as I destroyed her light olive skin. As he face deteriorated, so did the sounds. Blood splattered all over me, on my face and my hands, all over my body and staining into my clothes. I crushed her nose, hearing as the bones shattereed into her head. The rounded shape of her skull fell into a sunken in dent and it looked more like a deflated balloon. I was scarred and terrified but knew I had no other choice.
The elders all stood, silently until I was finished. I had eventually fallen to my knees, unable to hit her any more. I knew she was dead and I continued to hit her to make sure she wouldn’t suffer if for any reason I had failed.
I screamed and cried the entire time, praying I would be forgiven by God for what I had done. That was when I actually still believed in God but that’s not the point here, the point is that’s how I got to the cult.
“When I had turned her sadly beautiful face into nothing more than blood stained destruction, the elders took me from the room and led me back to my room. Once we were out of the door I heard gun shots going off; the other guards making sure she was dead I assumed, and silently let tears rinse my cheeks.
“I crawled into bed and didn’t leave for two days. I was so horrified with myself and so disgusted with them. That’s why I never cry, because I vowed I would never feel sorry for myself as long as I was in that shit hole. When I did get out of bed to finally wash the dried blood off of my small body I found a slice of her face stuck tightly to my shirt. I folded it up and hid in under my bed in the only box that I had from home. It’s still there today.”
He stopped touching my chest and placed his hand on my knee, sitting up to look at me.
“So how did you get here?” He said, quietly but I didn’t answer I just let his story soil the air for the both of us.
After a few hours of awkward silence and brief but minimal touching, we got our things together. My head pounded with terrible intensity. Every time I would try to think of anything more than just to breathe, I felt the sudden pressure of the whole world crushing down inside my head.
We left the cove with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Between the two of us we had eaten all the little bit of food the woman had given us and had no use for an empty basket, it just became more for us to carry. I continued throughout the day to remember what had and hadn’t happened the night before. I had all these flashes of memories in my head but couldn’t set straight what was real and what wasn’t. I contemplated just asking Zach but I didn’t want to piss him off.
If I didn’t let an idea fully form when it came into my mind and if I didn’t think it through then and there I would lose it and that would be the end of it. That alone worried me but then once I had forgotten the idea, I was over the fear.
When we were ready to leave we chose to adventure into the tunnel Zach had found simply because we had no where else to go and we didn’t even know where we were. We were near a beach but whether or not it was east coast or west or somewhere in between was beyond us so we had to wander blindly until we found something. It was a narrow tunnel but there was light from the sun that filtered in through the cracks above us so we continued on. It was definitely near some kind of tourist attraction or something because there were hundreds of footprints and graffiti on the rocks. If it were a tourist area it must have been out of season because no one was around.
As we walked through the path we talked; nothing much, as little as possible, but we did talk. Zach had all these questions, some of which I could answer and some I couldn’t. My head still throbbed and the farther we walked the more dizzy I felt.
“Can we rest?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t mind.
“Uh I guess. We can’t stop long we need to keep moving before anyone catches up to us. We don’t know how long it will take for them to realize we’re gone.” He was clearly worried but I didn’t understand why.
“What’s wrong? What are you so worried about?” He looked at me, clearly very pissed.
“Probably the group of masochistic mother fuckers out for our heads? That’s just one reason I’m concerned but whatever that’s not a huge deal!” He was yelling at me.
“Oh I wasn’t thinking of that...” I lied. I had an idea what he was talking about but an idea seemed to be as much as my mind could rap around. I put my hand to my forehead and pushed down lightly to ease the pain. I couldn’t think straight and my memory went as far back as the last few steps we had taken.
“I’m sorry dude I just don’t feel good. My head is killing me.” I got on my feet but moving too quickly, I made myself vomit. I dropped to my knees, shaking from everything that was going on. I wiped my mouth and fell sideways onto the soft sandy floor of the caves path. I held my head in my hands and felt tears begin to wet my eyes. I tried to hold them in but my body had the urge to cry and I couldn’t hold it in.
“Woah what’s wrong?” Zach was beside me instantly, rubbing my back. He pulled me close to him to comfort me while he hushed me, calming my nerves.
“I just- I just don’t remember!” I yelled, pulling away from him. My head was worse now and my judgement started to falter. Upper cutting him in the face became the only logical thing to do so clenching my fist I swung, hitting him in the nose, shattering it. He fell back, covering his face with his hands, screaming. He tried to stop the blood with his shirt but it was gushing and covering his whole body, staining the ground below him. I stood over him, proving my dominance.
He looked at me, tears now in his eyes while mine had dried, and asked me “What the fuck was that for?”
I looked down on him in pity. I hadn’t wanted to make him bleed I just wanted to hit him. Why had I hit him? I took a step back and tried to run away from him but he got to his feet and ran after me. I knew escaping him would be impossible we were in a cave for Christ’s sake, where was I gonna go?
“Would you stop? What the fuck is wrong with you? What is going on? Was it last night? Are you made or ashamed because it was one night, we can pretend it never happened!” I heard him scream but barely absorbed any of his words. His voice was foreign to me.
I saw an opening up ahead and knew I was close to the end of the tunnel. The sound of car engines and horns was echoing into the tunnel and in the distance the sound of voices was audible. I aimed for that; that was where I needed to be. I hoped it was a bus station or a train station or somewhere I could get a ride away from here, away from him.
I came up to the opening and found we were on the side of a highway. The cave was behind a big patch of bushes and as far as I could tell, probably wasn’t visible from the street. There was a sign that said to stay out of the cave, it could be dangerous. I had gotten lucky.
I ran out and pushed right through the bushes. I looked at the cars coming at me and saw I had just enough time to sprint across before they got here. I took my chances and ran.
While I was running I could hear him behind me, also reaching the outside. I didn’t dare look back for fear it would get me killed. I kept with my sprint and just as I was reaching the small patch of grass on the other side of the highway strip, I heard it. The loud, thunderous shriek of tires coming to a stop.
I fell to my knees on the grass and looked back, holding my breath. As I turned I watched as a giant mack truck, one of those 18 wheeler beasts, collided into him tiny frame. As his body met the radiator in the front of the truck, he was obliterated into a mass of broken bones and blood. As I watched in horror, I began to feel a tingle in my stomach and I realized I was hungry.
The truck came to a stop and his body fell to the ground, crumbling. I didn’t need to be sure I knew he was dead and I knew it must have been a terrible way to die but alas I couldn’t worry about what was done. Cars all pulled to a stop and as all the commotion ensued I made my way over the guardrail and walked up to the neon lit diner called “Rob’s”
I walked inside and took a seat at the counter. I didn’t have any money so I told the waitress I had lost my wallet and all I wanted was a drink. She gave me a cup of hot coffee, winked and told me for such a cute guy it’d be on the house. She was ugly and clearly tried very hard not to be. He lips were thick and bright pink, glossy with some shiny material and plumply. Her nails were the longest nails I had ever seen. She stood before me, tapping them on the counter. She then looked down and saw the blood that had saturated into my clothes and the scars that littered my otherwise good looking skin.
She flinched either from disgust or fear. I looked around the diner and turned to watch as they cleared the highway. The waitress elbowed me gently as she walked by me and said,
“Some people just can’t drive. I bet it was someone trying to merge without looking.” I nodded. She must be right, people are bad drivers.
“Excuse me ma’am, but what town is this?” I looked to her, hoping she’d be able to tell me or at least give me some sense of where I was.
“Ma’am! What do I look like, some kind of cougar?” She smiled playfully. “Sugar you’re just outside San Diego.” and she walked away. I turned back to my coffee and sipped it. Oceanside, as in California? Did I really end up in Cali? How did I end up in Cali? I drank some more and when I got ready to leave, two men in long black trench coats stood at the door. They each had cigarettes in their hands, ready to go out for a smoke. I walked up to them and asked for one.
“I don’t normally bum cigarettes but I don’t have any cash on me, could I just get one off you guys?” They looked at me and handed it to me.
“Where you from kid? You don’t look like you belong here.” The taller man put his hand on my shoulder as he asked. I flinched when he touched me. Something about him scared the shit out of me and yet I brushed it off because something else about him seemed trustable. I looked at his face and judged his appearance. He was scruffy and tall, built stalky and clearly was well in shape. His shoulder width was easily twice my own. I looked at his friend and studied him as well. He didn’t strike a single thing in me and without even taking in his appearance I turned back.
“What’s it to you?” I said, trying to be tough. I felt myself bulking myself up for fear they’d try to kick my ass. I was a pretty big guy but I was nothing compared to the beast before me. They both chuckled.
“We were just curious. You need a place to stay?” I didn’t want to admit it but I was looking for somewhere to crash even if only temporarily.
“Well I am looking for a place to stay. How much?” I didn’t have a cent to my name and if I was going to being staying with them I’d need to find some way to pay them. I planned to just make a deal with them and find a way to run away before they had a chance to collect any money. I was pretty positive I’d be able to get away before they caught on.
“You won’t owe us a cent. We run a...” He stalled and looked at the shorter man “a facility of sorts. You won’t be charged as long as you can keep up with the requirements of our establishment. Consider it like a hostel.” I thought about it for a second and thought it sounded pretty sweet. I nodded in agreement and got up.
We left the diner and they led me to a van. I got in and we began to drive. I fell asleep but when we arrived I awoke. I wasn’t sure where we were but it resembled a college campus or a hotel or some weird mash up of the two. They led me around showing me what everything was and where I had to be for what. They took me to a room and told me if I needed anything to just ask. The bigger guy handed me a card with his number on it.
Laying on the bed I thought about life and realized I was covered in dirt and blood. I couldn’t remember how that had happened so I went and showered and when I checked the closet, everything was exactly the size I wore. I went and opened the refrigerator and found a gallon on 1% milk and three bottles; Gray Goose, Belvedere and Kettle One, all three being my three favorite kinds of vodka. I smiled, thanking the universe and whoever had conspired to make such an amazing coincident occur.
In the cabinets was a full carton of Newport cigarettes, two blue lighters and a box of matches. I found three candles, some books and a CD player. There was a nice flat screen TV balanced squarely on the dresser and a PS3 attached to it. I went through the closet and found a whole assortment of clothes that fit my style preferences perfectly. I weeded through and picked out something I liked.
I dressed in a pair of short blue shorts and a black v-neck teeshirt similar to the one I had been wearing. I found a hoodie also very similar to my own and put that on as well. It was chilly out and I didn’t want to freeze. I poured myself a glass of milk, drank it and went for a walk around the grounds. I was walking behind my building and I found a circle of people sitting around a fire. They all looked miserable and a small group of men in cloaks stood at the head of the assembly. I got closer to them and realized they were having some kind of a meeting. I went over and sat at the edge of the circle, leaning against a tree.
As the event continued on I watched in horror as the cloaked men forced a group of teenagers to stick burning metal poles into their flesh. I was disgusted and had to strain to not vomit. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cigarettes I had found in my room. I lit one and leaned against the tree, closing my eyes. I smoked slowly and just thought about everything. This place was fucked! I didn’t want to admit it to myself but I knew I was getting myself into something serious and this kind of shit wasn’t something I could just run away from. My mind began to wander as I leaned against the tree.
I was thinking about my older brother who had died on me a few years back. I missed him. I wondered if he were in heaven or limbo or somewhere where he could look down on me. I wonder if he was watching me right now smoking this damn cigarette. He’d kill me for smoking! Considering he died of lung cancer at a very young age, I felt I owed him at least to quit and yet I never did. I needed nicotine to get me through the days. After all I wasn’t fed much so I smoked to ease my hunger.
I wanted a out of life but when I moved out to California I somehow got off track and eventually lost track of my future. Now I had this, a life of pointless nothings. I took a long drag when someone shook me.
“Adam, it’s your turn.” I opened my eyes and looked at him. He gestured for me to walk into the circle. I threw down my cigarette and stomped it out. I handed him my hoodie and began my journey into the center of the circle.